Holidays are such a happy time. Everyone gathered together, warm indoors, laughing, singing, drinking cocoa. However, for a lot of people, that isn’t their truth. For a lot of people, the holidays bring a remembrance of something lost. A happier time now gone, a loved one no longer with you. So how do you make it through the holidays with a broken heart?
As I was sitting around a fire with friends, they all expressed how excited they were that Christmas was almost here. They were excited for their kids, and all the fun times they had planned. They talked of Christmas carols and one even wore a “Jingle Bells” shirt. One of my friends would celebrate Christmas year round if she could. As I sat there and listened to all of them and their joy for what was to come, I was reminded of the many years I HATED Christmas. Yes, you read that right. I HATED Christmas! Everything about it. The music, the gathering, the decor… EVERYTHING!! It served no purpose in my life. It brought sorrow and heartache every year.
I’m sure you are asking why. Well, my senior year of high school, the ONLY grandparent I ever knew, passed away ON CHRISTMAS DAY! We went to visit her at the hospital. We all spoke to her, and said our good-byes. The nurse told us to go home and have Christmas and they would call if anything changed. So, we did that. I drove home with family members in the car. We went home and we opened gifts. I purposely saved my gift from her to open last, after all other gifts were opened. ALL gifts were opened, BUT I made sure the last gift opened that year was from her. As we all got our dinner plates and sat down, the phone rang. She had passed away as we sat down to eat. I don’t remember anyone being at the hospital with her, but I could be wrong. I do, however know, I was not at the hospital with her. As soon as we got the call, we left our plates on the table and again headed down to the hospital. It was our way to say one final goodbye. The rest of the day and week are hazy. I vaguely remember the actual funeral. Afterwards, we resumed normal life.
I do believe this was the event that set off my depression and anxiety. It wasn’t until the next year, while in college and with a new boyfriend (my now husband), that it actually surfaced. It was right after the year anniversary of her death. I dreaded everything about Christmas. I just had no desire to celebrate anything. I just put on a happy face. As the years passed, it continued. I remember a specific celebration at my cousin’s house. My uncle and aunts were talking about my grandma and I just sat there and listened. Finally, I had had enough. I got up with tears in my eyes and walked back inside, right out the front door. My (now fiancee) followed me and calmed me down.
It was not until years later, after I found Christ, that Christmas began to feel normal again. Christ gave new meaning to the holiday. It was no longer about the lights, cheesy songs and presents. It was about the birth of my Savior. The music exhalts Him and His birth. It is now about celebrating His birth.
When I had kids, the other parts of Christmas slowly began to become fun again. I enjoy playing Santa, decorating the tree and house, and baking cookies. It took many, many years (23 to be exact), a Savior, and a family for me to fully enjoy the Holiday again. If you are sorrowful or mourning the loss of a loved one this year, my prayer is that you find joy in the Savior. That through all the “stuff” around you, you are able to find Him. Focusing on just ONE positive a day also helps. Remember to celebrate those around you. Mainly, find your reason for the season.